The first week of class isn't over yet, and I am already feeling a little overwhelmed. Maybe it's normal - I hope it isn't an indication that I'm not cut out for this. I think it is just the fact that it's a complete change of lifestyle. After all, I've been out of school for so long.
The program started with three days of orientation. I didn't count that as my first week. Technically all I've had is a first day of class, not a first week of class. It feels like it, though. We had 4 classes today, each were about 2 hours long, with hour breaks in between. I think what most overwhelmed me was the fact that we weren't given a lot of notice on our reading, and despite my effort to stay on top of things, I'm already behind. Many of the class syllabus were distributed only yesterday or the day before, yet most of them had (a lot of) assigned reading for the first class. For the first week alone, I count 12 chapters and 5 articles. I have never done so much reading in my life. I enjoy the material, but it is a LOT of information to absorb. We were also given the "expectations" in class - the usual do your work, don't procrastinate sort of thing and that can be intimidating - our profs actually have high expectations from us. No hand holding.
We are expected to complete a thesis project by the end of the program. It is a LOT of work, it seems. Some of my classmates are not completely enthused by this requirement, but I don't mind it. I love research. However, I'm really not looking forward to the beginning and end parts of this process - finding a research question and thesis adviser and the written report and oral defense. I know from past experience how important a thesis adviser can be, and I have NO IDEA how to go about finding one. I really hope I can get someone like Janet (and I don't know if I will - that's a pretty high expectation). I don't know anyone here and don't really have any connections established. How would I even start looking for someone when I don't even have a research question? To me, the adviser is more important than the actual question I work on. I also feel awkward about going to random strangers and asking them to devote so much time on being my thesis adviser. I don't like writing (mostly because I am not confident in my writing skills), but I am scared of the oral defense. I just have this fear that I won't know the answers to what they will ask me. Lastly, I am maybe too ambitious in thinking this, but I hope to get a published paper out of this project. I don't know if it's a good idea to put that pressure on myself, or maybe it's good to have that goal. I also want to have an abstract of the project accepted at a national conference (for a poster or a platform presentation). BUT, at the same time I don't want to get accepted because I hate presentations and public speaking. It is such an inner struggle! I'll submit regardless. I'm scared but I still want to push the limits and be the best I can be.
We also have journal clubs and case conferences - this seems like fun, like the lab meetings I used to go to at Janet's Lab - but more intense. We each take turn presenting, and it is broadcast to all these faculty members who conference in. From the sounds of it, about 30 people or more tune in to these meetings, and they grill you pretty hard. I hate public speaking, and even though I've somewhat overcome those fears with teaching all these years, I still feel uncomfortable when I'm in front of groups of people.
One of my courses is in the style of PBL (problem-based learning). I like the concept, and I tried it once before - but I didn't like it. I always feel somewhat lost and am never sure if I was answering the questions properly or adequately. Another thing out of my comfort zone.
I meet with my scholarship project adviser tomorrow, and she seems so nice. I hope what little I've done is enough to prepare for this meeting. I don't think either of us know what to expect, so this should be interesting.
So far, grad school is fun, but definitely challenging. I love my professors, my classmates, and everyone else I've met in the program. I don't mind the reading so much, although I'm kind of intimidated and don't know how well I will be able to keep up with 12 chapters of reading per week. My time management skills are definitely going to be put to test. I have so many different projects on the go, I really hope I don't drop the ball somewhere along the line. I want to stay healthy and somehow fit exercising into all this, but I don't know how I'm going to do it! If nothing else, graduate school is definitely pushing me outside of my comfort zone with all the reading, writing, and presenting. I hope that I will grow, and that this whole process isn't going to induce TOO much stress.
I'm excited!
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